Mahalakshmi Shankar, https://www.linkedin.com/in/mahalakshmi-s-570aa188/

Why do I crave change and simultaneously feel afraid of it?

Imagine hiking along a meandering road, rocks and smooth sands at the same stretch. As you walk along, you marvel looking at your surroundings of tall green trees and breathe in the fresh, green-scented air. You feel revived and wonder what lies ahead. Soon, you reach a crossroad, but the road forks into 4 different paths. The signboard for each pathway describes the scenery you're hiking towards, but what makes you linger confused is the hiking level attached to each pathway. All of them are difficult, and you're just a beginner hiker. What do you do?

Crossroads after a night of rain by Martin Liebermann

I'm the beginner hiker in the above scene, standing there with a thumping heart as I wonder where to go. I'm at a standpoint in my right now, as I want to embrace change. I'm afraid of all the extra stuff I have to do for this change to happen, and I'm exhausted by daily life. I wish the change would just happen on its own, and I wouldn't be wracked with anxiety as it unfolds. But that's not how life works (unfortunately, if you ask me).

Friends, do any of you resonate with this too?

I want to change my attitude towards money and spending, change my job, change my habit of getting easily irritated, change my fear of ever driving on a freeway, the list goes on. How do I do this?

I think what might work for me is to go to the source of my resistance to the change. Mostly for me, it's anxiety that's the root cause. In my head, it's always down to these two doubts:

  1. What if I'm not good enough for “xyz” change to happen?
  2. Am I capable of taking on the work to do for the change to happen, and what happens after too?

This year, I'm planning to take itty-bitty steps towards change, and scale up when I can manage that. For example, a major goal for me this year is to invest a little bit and change my attitude towards fun spending habits. I can be very impulsive with my money, so I want to change that towards being very mindful and controlled.

I'm pivoting towards this change by investing money in a Roth IRA account, starting with a small amount and then slowly increasing it. I'm going to learn to budget online for the first time ever. As for my impulsive spending habits, I'm consciously working on how NOT to buy something. I think about my trigger/reason to purchase an item and most of the time its emotionally related.

Working on this goal alone for this year will ease me into change in a major part of my life. It gives me confidence that I'm capable and can do what it takes to change for the better.

If you're like me, I want you to know that change IS scary. Change is very hard. Change can cause discomfort. But it's temporary, this is a fact.

Ultimately, change is just a kickstart to something fresh and new.

Mahalakshmi Shankar is a creative from India with a passion for blogging, short stories, and cooking. She currently resides in evergreen Washington state with her husband and daughter. You can read more of her work at melangeofwords.com.